I celebrated my 31st birthday this month, on the 13th actually. It was the first time in 11 years that I celebrated as a single female. Nine months ago, I made the decision to leave my marriage of 4 years (together for 11 years total) and start all over, on my own.
I’ve been anticipating this day. I kept wondering what it would look like, celebrating without a wedding ring and without someone to come home too. I celebrated by going out with friends and I found myself being the only single woman amongst my friends. Seemed ironic, I’m married (legally separated) but I’m single. I had a great night, celebrating very Sex and the City – like. Felt and looked great with a fresh mani/pedi, new dress and danced all night with my friends, but when I got home, it was empty (except, my lovable husky dog) and I was alone. I ate my Belgian waffles and fell asleep.
I woke up quite early – despite being out late and as I lay in bed, I felt – different. Not only was I a year older, but I was single and alone. For the first time since my separation, I was realizing how lonely it can be. Sure, I’ve dated a bit since but to be honest, I’m not sure I’m ready to dive into anything that will distract me from getting my life back on track. I crawled out of bed and made my regular black coffee and headed back to sit in bed and thought how nice it would’ve been if someone else was there to make me coffee and bring it to me in bed.
As I continued my day, I actually got annoyed with myself that I had the nerve to even think that I was alone today. I felt sorry for myself because I didn’t have a man to bring me coffee in bed or to go home to that night? What a dumbass thing to say. I had to turn my thinking around.
I chose to leave. I chose to move out on my own. I chose to be alone for my birthday. So why was I feeling this way?
The changes that I put in place in my life over the last year have aligned me with where I need to be and where I want to be. I am here with the only person that I need to look out for, me. I am here with the only person I need to look good for, myself. I am here with the only person I need to compete with, me. Do I really need someone to bring me coffee in bed? Do I really need someone to come home to every night? Although it sounds good to have that, I don’t need to fulfill my life. So why was today feeling so different? Why did I let the one day be about someone else when it should’ve been about me?
Once I changed my thoughts on this, I turned it around and decided to celebrate what I do have:
- a great apartment that I can make my own
- a comfy queen-sized bed that I just share with my Husky
- I can do whatever I want with my time. It’s my time, and I don’t need to share it with anyone else if I don’t want to
- my independence
- I have the focus and time to focus on my own growth, self-love and really take the time to find exactly what I want
- a business that is thriving
If you’re ever feeling alone, as we all do at times, reflect on what you do have that makes you happy. The truth is, I’m not alone. I have my family, my friends, my business, my cute AF dog and the chance to live my best life, right now.
I made the choices to lead me exactly where I am and I don’t regret them. I know that focusing on moving forward and creating the life that I truly want will bring me what I really want and when the time is right, I know I’ll find love again. I am learning that being with someone will not make me happy. Learning to be alone and to feel truly happy will bring in the right person to complement my happiness. I know what I want in a partner but I must first learn how to accept being with myself first. When we go through a breakup, we jump into another relationship so we don’t have to be alone but usually end up settling, feeling disappointed, or relying on someone else for everything – including our own happiness. After some serious soul searching and self-reflection, I’ve been learning why some dates didn’t go further than the first date, why I continue to just swipe left on everyone and why I found myself alone on my birthday – I actually enjoy being by myself. I’m not ready to include someone else in my life, I actually like the way it is.
When I realized this, I cut the whiny shit and decided to woman up. I poured myself a mimosa, put on my favourite outfit, cranked up Drake and just smiled because I am happy. In this moment, today, I am happy. Noone else can take that away from me and I am in charge of creating that.
Just because I am alone, doesn’t mean I have to feel lonely.
My life is actually pretty f*cking fabulous.
“Had a man last year, life goes on
Haven’t let that thing loose, girl, in so long
You’ve been inside, know you like to lay low
I’ve been peepin’ what you bringin’ to the table
Workin’ hard, girl, everything paid for
First, last phone bill, car note, cable”
– Drake, Nice for What