I had a huge dilemma.
Should I call the bitch and give her my angriest speech ever (which I am extremely capable of doing without any brakes any given time …..however supressing myself as I am bloody 45 and I should be “matured” woman and mother so far ) or I should nicely sit and think what is the best approach that my child can benefit from?
You guessed right. It is the 2nd option.
This article that you are now reading will not give you a golden rule for parenting success and it will not give you “5 ways to always find solution for every problem you can face with your child”. This is definitely not coming and I cannot give you instant solution for parenting.
But what I can wholeheartedly share with you is my insight on how I deal with my issues and you never know ……maybe it will help you in some way.
A lesson is about my daughter Anastasia who will soon turn 16. And Anastasia played volleyball for 5 consecutive years. She was a good player, if I would be honestly speaking to you I would even say something like ….she loved volleyball more than volleyball loved her. In other words, she was never a top player. She obviously had her challenges in an effort to play better and always wanted to be in a starting lineup which was not possible, however Anastasia was never lacking tremendous desire to play volley and to be part of the team. She absolutely adored volleyball!
Anyway, after many years of daily trainings, after so much laughter, sweat, tears and victories Anastasia decided it is enough. She told me that she wanted to quit volley. So I gave her an advice. It was a simple one: “Anastasia it is not problem to quit, you are big girl and you can make your own decisions however just please think very well and give yourself 1 month time to process this decision. Come up after a month and tell me if your decision is final”.
So she listened. And thought well what she wants to do. After a month she said “mom, my final decision is to stop volley”. So Anastasia made up her mind to quit however she was very sad to stop and also extremely anxious how she will communicate her decision to her coach.
Again I have given her an advice, I told her to first text her coach gently explaining that she wants to quit and to tell her that she was thinking carefully over that last month blah blah….and in the same time I expected that coach will give her a call and discuss her decision, maybe even to persuade her to stay etc…I expected a normal, genuine, human approach towards a girl who dedicated almost every afternoon of her last 5 years for trainings.
And coach replied shortly with this shit:
“Anastasia I understand and respect your decision. Please do not forget I will be always by your side no matter what”.
Is it my fault for wanting to strangle this bloody woman on the spot? How is it possible that she reacted so stupid and heartless to Anastasia’s message that she was crying over while writing it? How can this bloody woman be a coach and have no basic skills to deal with sensitive child soul? How come every asshole on the road can become a coach who can destroy your child’s self esteem in a split of a second?
This bloody volleyball coach just told my daughter with her stupid cheap line “Anastasia you were not good enough anyway so it is not a big deal that you quit.”
My heart was broken. Absolutely broken. What to tell Anastasia and how to repair this shit?
What shall I do when her feelings are hurt?
So first I consoled my daughter and tried to calm her down. Then I was saying something like “its ok baby, its normal that you feel sad, you have played volley for so many years and I know it hurts now when you say goodbye to it blah blah”…..
And inside I was boiling!!! I was imagining scenario in my head already…”I will call the bitch and tell her that I wish her that her kids face same defeat and that they are hurt the same way as Anastasia is hurt today”. Then I was thinking to tell her that she has no emotional intelligence and that she should be forbidden training children as she has no pedagogic skills. I had some other insults ready to fire…….
Fortunately, I am old enough to wait for some time as I learned that no action should be made out of anger. So I waited the next day. And then I had an outburst when Anastasia called me in tears saying that another girl left volley and she came to know that coach called that girl persuading her to stay.
Me, her mom, was now completely and utterly crushed. Instead of anger I felt total despair as I was unable to protect my own daughter from suffering and hurt feelings. I started sobbing and apologizing for not being able to protect her from people who hurt her no matter how much I would want that. “And the worst thing is”, I told her, “that this was not the first nor the last time you will be hurt”….. At the end of the conversation it was Anastasia who was consoling me and telling me to “chillax”.
So going back to the question …. Can you protect your child from assholes?
The answer is no….not always. You cannot always protect your children from assholes because parents cannot be a guard from all bad people and hurt feelings they will face in life.
Parents cannot be a shield but then can be a safe harbour, a safe place where children will feel loved and appreciated and where they will always feel secure no matter how big was the the storm they sailed through. Stronger the harbour = stronger the base and that eventually leads to less damage to our children, their mental state and their well being.
Mamma mia…..didn’t you just want to punch that coach in her face or what?