Community//

Blame

How to Stop It From Messing Up Our Lives

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„Because of this little shit and his incapacity to deal with things, I am now stuck.“ That was me. I was angry at my younger self for not having been able to deal with the suicide of my father.

I was doing a cleanse and I wrote this horrific letter to my 6 year old younger self. It was full of blame and anger. I was attacking my younger self. After having read this letter and burned it, as part of a ritual, I realized what I’ve done.

I felt so bad. How could I be so heartless towards this little boy? Do I really think he did any of that on purpose? He didn’t know any better. It’s the best he could do with the understanding he had of the world at this moment in time.

And yet, here I was, as the older self, blaming him for being fucked up.

Well, it’s no wonder that I was stuck.

Getting Stuck

Blaming the past, may it be yourself or someone else, will simply keep you stuck. Why? Because you cannot look at things clearly. All you do is perpetuate the same narrative over and over and over again.

How can you heal those wounds, if you are perpetuating anger and blame? Those feelings simply cut you more deeply.

If the person is still alive who has wronged you, you may find yourself in similar situations with them, cementing the belief that they are bad.

Well they may be, so what? You are sacrificing your own well-being by staying on the surface of what is really happening within you.

The Real Issue

The issue isn’t what is happening to you, the issue is what is happening within you.

Let’s assume you would experience the same issue again with that person, however, this time you remain calm. What they say and do, does not mean anything to you, you are at peace.

Is it still an issue how they are acting? (By the way, please use common sense. I am not referring to situations of getting physically harmed. Just get out of those kind of situations. You don’t have to be at peace while getting raped.)

So what if they are complaining? They are the ones suffering right now.

You see, when the situation remains unchanged yet you stay at peace, suddenly what used to be a circumstantial issue is no issue anymore because it never was an issue based on the circumstances.

Blaming misplaces the attention onto circumstances and objects of your own mental projections. Of course you get stuck. Because you are blaming something that has no inherent power.

It’s like screaming at a wall saying: ‚Wall why are you here? You are hurting me by being here, please move!‘

Yet the wall remains a wall and stays where it’s at.

Go Beyond the Surface Emotions

The key to get unstuck is to dive deeper than blame and anger. What is really happening within you?

This requires a great deal of honesty because anger is easily perpetuated. It’s a simple story, it doesn’t require for you to be open and willing to feel more deeply what you are really experiencing.

Often those experiences and feelings are what we don’t want to have. It’s easier to blame than to go through an experience of being helpless and hurt.

Hence, we simply push it under the carpet. However, as long as it remains under the carpet it has power over us. We relive those experiences or even worse we recreate them in our lives.

Get Unstuck in Your Life

If you want to get unstuck, dive deep inside of yourself. Face those inner demons you are afraid off. In reality they do not possess any power. They are illusory. All the power lies in the shadow they cast. When you drag them into the light, they simply reveal themselves to be little rats.

It’s like what you see in the movies:

There is this huge monster around the corner. You can see its fangs and its teeth. It looks so bad and so scary. Yet, the hero marches on and peaks beyond the corner. What does he see? A little rat that was casting a big shadow.

How do you get unstuck?

  1. Take ownership over your internal world. Blaming just perpetuates the same story.
  2. Dive deep into your own being.
  3. Be honest and open.
  4. Embrace whatever comes up.

It is quite simple really. However, it may not be easy. Though, I can say it is the most worthwhile journey you can take.

Only when you resolve whatever needs resolving in yourself, can you see the circumstances in a new light. For me that meant to truly forgive myself and my father. When that happened, my perspective shifted from it being a curse to seeing it as one of the biggest blessings.

I wouldn’t be able to do the work I do today without it. I wouldn’t have been put on this journey without it. So many things have come from it.

In order for us to move forward as a human race, we have to go beyond blame.

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