Big Magic Day

I’m not joking when I say that I’ve had ‘Big Magic’ by Elizabeth Gilbert on my Amazon wishlist for over 5 years. I don’t know why I could never find a reason to justify ordering it…

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I caved in a couple of weeks ago, after a sudden, strong urge to own it. The book deals with letting fear, or perfectionism, or the lack of natural talent, or [add excuse here] stop you not just being creative, but giving up before your project has even begun. This is something I’m very guilty of. That, plus the slowly creeping feeling of dreaded burnout, has made me feel odd lately to call myself a ‘creative’ person. Maybe it was my subconscious nudging me to buy the book or the universe (if you believe in that kind of thing) telling me it’s time to say a timid ‘Hello… again.’ to my inner creative. Whatever it was, I’m now enjoying the book immensely, and have at the very least got that small flicker of the thought ‘Maybe… I could?’.

Then, a small but important interaction happened. As it’s my last week working in Chelsea, I decided to visit a café I had been wanting to try for ages. The waitress asked about my book, and we had a very brief but interesting conversation about creative blocks and obstacles. As someone who is naturally reserved around new people, I felt pleased that I had this little talk with a like-minded stranger trying to overcome the same barriers as me. While paying for my bill, I only then realised that she had the same name as me. This really struck with me for some reason, almost like I was being given ANOTHER gentle nudge from an unknown source. 

This continued to happen.

Something that appeared to me in the morning at work, that I didn’t think I would be able to explore further, was then made useful by the late afternoon when a perfect opportunity arose. And I got EXCITED. Not the shadow of an emotion, not a begrudging ‘I suppose I ought to…’, but an actual strong feeling for something.  

Individually, these moments don’t seem like anything special. Collectively, they all seem to indicate that something is shifting. If I take a moment to see if I can tune into what my body is saying, I get an overwhelming cry of, ‘I’m… TIRED! I’m not ok with staying in this mundane phase, I’m sick of feeling fear, this life is exhausting, I need to create, why have you been letting our mind turn grey? I want colours and hope and fulfilment! I want fireworks, not this murky puddle of stagnation! Your body, your mind, your soul have all been begging you to do anything else but this, so why have you been ignoring us?’

I may have reached a point; breaking, low, of no return, who knows? Whatever it is, I’ve named it ‘Big Magic Day’. 

Believe me, I won’t turn into a preppy, motivated artist soon. However, there are stirrings (or maybe warnings from) in my soul, where I feel like if I don’t start incorporating little moments of creativity in my life minus ‘art fear’, then I’m going to crash and burn. And there is no guarantee that I would rise like a phoenix from it… So I had better start now.

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