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Being Fair Even When It Hurts

A sense of justice is good, the real challenge is knowing when to pull back because it's not yet time.

Photo by Heike Brueck
Photo by Heike Brueck

Imagine this scenario: You volunteer yourself for an experiment in which you would marry someone who you’ve never met with the hope that the relationship professionals that put both of you together have managed to keep in mind the essential information to make sure you’ve got the right match.

A miracle happens and the person you were matched with, is amazing. As expected, you both go through a period of understanding each other and seeing areas where each of you could grow as a person. It’s stressful and frustrations jab you seemingly at every turn (just when you think you’ve got a handle on things). Right around the midpoint of the experience you get another miracle: somehow after all that…you both are still in it.

Then another participant in the experiment seems hell-bent in creating drama, you get pulled into it a few times but managed to steer clear of it (even if it would be so satisfying to prove that you didn’t even say whatever she was accusing you of). This time you’re not having any of it, as she is now causing issues with another participant (lets call him ‘Jim’) because she is trying to hide something (she wants to stay in the experiment to spend time with the other spouses).

But see…you aren’t privy to all that. You only know what is on display: a person with no regard to consequences. It’s not a 15-year-old your dealing with here….but someone who is seemingly just stepping out of adolescence at 28 (you’re not looking to be ageist….and focusing instead of the behaviour of this person).

Because you have come to care about Jim. He seems to have a better formed brain than the (seemingly) adolescent who is attempting to win over his affections without knowing that this person may need to work on aspects of herself before she is ready to be in a relationship.

Now that scenario I painted is quite similar to what happened during episode 32 of ‘Married At First Sight’. As someone who has a similar sense of justice as Mike, it would be good to have Jessika kept accountable on what she’s been saying.

One thing that surprised me the most was the comment John made:

“This is what happens with Mike when he doesn’t get his way, he gets personal.”

As well as Trisha:

“He goes hard on Jess, and easy on the issue.”

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As an observer, it seems like the relationship specialists are ignoring Jessika’s behaviour. But then I should remind myself that unlike the viewers, they have a narrow view of what’s going on. They have no idea of the deceptions that have been going on from both Dan and Jessika as they keep the other participants from learning that they have met privately and discussed possibly pairing up before they finalised their commitments with their current partners.

Maybe they also see an angle that viewers don’t see about Mike, and an area that he could work on that is a ticking bomb with his relationship with Heidi (as she clearly wasn’t happy about his continuous jabs towards Jessika). Though there is a nobility in making sure someone is held responsible for their actions (so at the least that person would think about their actions — hopefully! — in the future), it is also important to focus on any self-development issues that is being covered up and which has motivated an attack towards another person.

On the subject on being personal…well…to me it makes sense that he would bring up what Jessika did to him (I am also hoping that they would air the clip on what really happened — did Mike really say something close to: ‘That’s so fake’?). Based on the information, it seems that Jessika is doing the same thing (‘stirring the pot’ just for kicks) she did to him. It didn’t seem that Mike crossed the line, as he was addressing Jessika’s behaviour (regularly posing on Instagram) rather than a personal attack (‘You’re a horrible person’).

It’s not until much later that the other piece (which Mike has been blind to) is revealed by Heidi: it’s clear that Jessika isn’t wanting Mike’s counsel. Not only that, it’s clear that Jessika doesn’t want to change her ways (constantly relishing being drawn into drama).

Heidi: Some people don’t want advice. Some people just want to talk. They don’t—You know what I mean?

This truth is difficult to swallow sometimes. That there are people who’ll just go forward with their destructive ways and it doesn’t matter how many well meaning people try to intervene. Change would only happen if the person is ready. And it’s our job (or at least our group keen on personal development…and open to helping others through it) to constantly be alert on which way to act (step back, be a mentor, or just be an ear for their frustrations).


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What’s your rule of thumb on when you step back or intervene? I look forward to your thoughts via Twitter!

For more content click here for my other pieces and here for previous entries from the Music Discovery Project.

Want ‘in’ on my introduction list? Just shoot me an email.

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Note: For the source of Heike’s photo, head to this page.

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