I had a breakdown today.
It began with an email from a business associate threatening legal action because they haven’t been paid in full. It continued with news of my dear friend losing her dad. The thought of her giving birth to her first child and not having her life’s greatest support to share in the joy was too much for me.
My son had a bad day the other day. Spring Break was supposed to be this week. Then it was revoked. It was later shared on his google classroom that there would be assignments. How could he not have a bad day? There is confusion all around. I told him it’s no one’s fault. It’s the way of the world right now. He didn’t want to get out of bed. He was mad. He was angry. He was let down. He misses school. He misses his friends. He might be happy to be living in a house with both of his parents, which he doesn’t even remember ever doing, but he is entitled to a bad day.
We all are. I grabbed my sunglasses and jacket and left the house. I texted my ex-husband saying that I was having a bad morning and to please deal with the kids. I texted my business partner / best friend and told her I was having a breakdown and to please call. I spent the next hour crying on the phone with her. I got it all out. Weeks of stress and loneliness. My sadness was heard. My loneliness was virtually hugged. My fear of the unknown was received. I received support and love and kindness. I heard words I didn’t know I needed to hear.
It reminded me to remember that it is ok to not be ok all the time. I’ve been on my best behavior. I’ve been strong. I’ve been happy. I’ve been making it all work. We all have. We are putting our kids first. Our business’s future is unknown. Many of us have no choice but to pivot. We are all working from home. We are all teaching, cleaning and doing many things at once, with all the time in the world, but trying to stay productive, healthy, alive and sane.
Well, guess what. I broke down. Guess what. It is ok. It felt good. It helped me. It cleansed me. Now I’m ready to get back up.
It began by helping my son with assignments. It continued with helping others. Helping friends who are starting grassroots movements, like Survivor Corps which is raising awareness and urging Covid-19 survivors to give blood and plasma to help others. I continued with talking to another friend, founder of Cancer Support Community, and connecting her to current cancer patients who need help and friends in the media who can share their stories. My day improved with conference calls and exciting work possibilities for me and for my company as we try to pivot our in person events to an online community.
So I had a breakdown today, but I also turned it into another positive day. It’s important to all remember that is possible.