I have done so much work on accepting myself, being good enough and not being ashamed to be me, which is why what occurred this weekend shocked to the core. I know all the rules, I know all that how other people treat me or what they think of me is none of my business and maybe I am overtired at the moment — it has been a busy time, I am working hard and maybe a little more sensitive than normal.
So what did I do differently now that I know what I know?
So it was my birthday on Friday, a friends birthday on Saturday and we went to dinner. Not necessarily a birthday dinner — just a pizza with a group of friends. So one friend thought it would be a nice idea to order a cake, I heard the whispering and I though it was lovely idea. Then the cake arrived with a single candle for the birthday girl (I’ll give you a hint it wasn’t me). I can’t even put into words how I felt — except that old sense of shame at being me, the sense of not being enough, being worthless came flying to the surface. It was horrific, I wanted to cry, I wanted to storm out of the restaurant so that everyone would understand how I felt — BUT — I didn’t! I fixed my smile, burning with shame on the inside and sang along, laughed along a put on a great show of “being good with it all.” This is the part that really upset me — I thought I was beyond shrinking into myself. I thought I had enough self respect and self worth to deal with the situation differently — instead I found myself in the same pattern I used always fall into — for fear of people feeling pity for me — or just plain believing I didn’t deserve to be taken into account.
- Next I found myself setting up an argument with my husband — luckily I caught myself (that was one of my emotional pain release tools) and took a huge big bravery pill and told him what happened and how I felt — that allowed me to release the tension have a cry over it and make enough space in my mind to begin my “I love and accept myself just as I am” mantra.
- Next I set my mind to having something to be grateful for — (there was some resistance from the pity committee in my head but I got there). When you understand that shame is a lie and vulnerability is the answer there suddenly is a solution.
Mostly today I am grateful that I have a strategy in place to deal with these situations and I understand that sharing my story is my release from the lie.
I work with women who have reached the end of the road in their relationships, they have given everything and feel like there is an unbalance between giving and receiving. It doesn’t take too much digging to uncover this very same sense of shame at being themselves that doesn’t permit them to say how they feel and that plays in a very similar way, they are hurt, upset and yet terrified to reveal how they feel for fear that they are not worthy of such emotions, so they create arguments as a way to release the tension inside. Mostly they aren’t even aware of this mechanism — I surely wasn’t. What owning my vulnerability has afforded me is the ability to avoid these types of confrontation, which in turn has led to a much more supportive relationship with my husband and in turn it has allowed him to be more open with his emotions.
Or to get working immediately, why not download her 5 step worksheet to help identify where you can begin to make changes? Click here: http://allisonreiner.com/marketing-rocket/five-steps-to-self-love
To get to know Allison join her Facebook Community: Love is an Inside job https://www.facebook.com/groups/Loveisaninsidejob
Originally published at https://www.linkedin.com on May 9, 2016.
Originally published at medium.com