Recently my step-son has been behaving in an obnoxious manner-more than usual. Usually I would have ignored it but with COVID19 and its devastating impact on our lives there have been some changes that I have made in my life.
I’m not aiming for martyr of the century– Last I checked I am only 15 years older than my step-son and I realized that he was just playing me. When I compared what he is doing now to what I was doing at his age-building a career, earning my keep, living on my own since my mom and dad had succumbed to cancer, fighting a bitter divorce case, putting myself through law classes and working non-stop to be in a better spot and still I was optimistic about the future, I burn with anger. When I see him-sulking in the corner, refusing to accept any responsibility of an adult but demanding all the rights, spreading toxicity at home and only speaking up to demand more money I just decided that I was done being a martyr. I asked him to get a job and start off with the work at home and even though he is still spreading toxicity with a special brand of smugness but at least I am dropping out of the race for martyrdom.
Dreams-I had and still have dreams of my own, which may not match up that of the family. But I decided to go for them and if it makes anyone unhappy, then so be it. Does this make me selfish as a mother? In fact research, both formal and informal shows that mothers put themselves last.
https://www.healthywomen.org/content/article/new-survey-moms-are-putting-their-health-last
I should know I have been doing it for so long that it’s only when I started looking at old pictures of my mum and me did I realize I was unrecognizable today from the happy healthy beautiful girl that I was. So here I am, suddenly free, well almost free because believe me this is a habit which takes extremely long to change, to live the live I want to live. Will my dreams come true? I won’t know till I try.
Love and Adoration-After being dumped with everything right from providing for the family, motivating my 30 plus step son, to the raving and ranting of an abusive greedy brother-in-law, to clearing out everyone’s backlog-gosh! I never knew I did so much work that even writing about it is exhausting-I only want to be showered with love and adoration. You can’t do that, well then don’t engage me with your destructive criticism, if you turn your bowl upside down to negative dumping then no one can dump you with the negativity. Surprisingly, this has worked and I am quite charged up each morning to live each day to the fullest, in stark contrast to the heaviness I had been experiencing since some time. Now I feel light because I don’t have to go through the grind of doing the same thing over and over again and can chalk out my own path.
I take inspiration from Lord Buddha’s saying, “One bad chapter doesn’t mean your story is over.” As I start out from being a reluctant martyr to a glorious winner.
Wishing all the Mothers across the world-A Happy Mother’s Day
Love yourself first because you deserve it
Till next time Love and hugs, live live EmpressSize
Vandana
