Make plans for your new future. Once you have released your former future life, you have to replace it with something. So it is time to figure out what you want. Then make plans to achieve that future.
As part of my series about the “5 Things You Need To Know To Survive And Thrive After A Divorce Or Breakup” I had the pleasure of interviewing Andrea Travillian is a life coach helping women transform their lives. Through her private coaching, Andrea takes women on a healing journey to better understand what is blocking them. Heal those blocks and start achieving their dreams. You can find her at https://www.andreatravillian.com.
Thank you so much for doing this with us! Can you tell us a story about what brought you to this specific career path?
I ended up as a life coach because of a divorce and wanting to re-discover what would make me happy. Back in 2014, I was struggling. I was not happy anymore. I began to search for why. I did counseling, lots of journaling, and about anything I could try.
If I thought it could help I gave it a go.
Finally, in 2016, I decided one thing that needed to change was my marriage. So, I left my husband and began stage two of my journey.
I re-learned who I was, what I wanted and what I did not want. I reinvented myself. During my transition, I began to accumulate different tools and lessons that I knew would help other women.
So, I decided to close my wealth planning business and start helping other women. To give them the tools and a sounding board for making changes in their life. Ultimately leading them to a life they happy with.
Can you explain to our readers why you are an authority about “divorce”?
Besides for living through my own. I have helped others manage their way through the emotional rollercoaster that it is.
I also lived through my parents’ divorce and my mother’s second divorce. Sadly, I am all too familiar with a divorce from every side.
Yet, it has allowed me to see the issue from all sides.
Can you share the most interesting story that happened to you since you started this career?
The most interesting thing I have encountered is not just one story, but many. To be honest, almost all of them. And that is how much a person changes during the divorce. It is as if a magician changes everyone’s personalities for the proceedings. Then changes them back when the divorce is final.
While going through the process you can’t count on your spouse to be the same person they were. Not always bad, not always good, but always uncharacteristic.
Everyone is in self-preservation mode, so that will look different for every person. So, don’t take it personally when your soon to be ex starts acting differently.
Can you share a story about the funniest mistake you made when you were first starting? Can you tell us what lesson you learned from that?
I have made many mistakes throughout my life. In every area. I still even cringe when I think of a few of them. Nothing funny comes to mind, but I have mastered the art of learning from my mistakes. So maybe in the future, I will think there are some humorous ones!
I always approach mistakes as learning opportunities. I have created a couple of questions around mistakes to help me through them.
First, I ask myself what I learned. But I don’t stop there. I then ask myself if this is tied to a pattern I have seen in my life. Then is this a bigger life lesson, limiting belief or issue I need to dig into.
We tend to make many of the same mistakes in different ways. They may appear to be different, but they have a common theme. So, by looking at my mistakes this way I can figure out the underlying problem and fix it!
If you had a close friend come to you for advice after a divorce, what are 5 things you would advise in order to survive and thrive after the divorce? Can you please give a story or example for each?
1. Take your time while going through the divorce process. It can feel like you want to hurry up and have it done with. But it is easy to overlook important things when you are rushing. Sleep on things even if you are sure.
2. Remember self-care. Emotions are draining. You are going through many changes and new things. It is easy to burnout and makes yourself sick. So, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Get plenty of sleep, get your body moving and try to eat healthily.
3. It is more than just releasing your feelings and the past. You also need to release the future. The one that you dreamed about with your spouse. This can be hard as you may have had a lifetime planned out and now those plans have changed. Remember to mourn the future that will not be, then release it.
4. Make plans for your new future. Once you have released your former future life, you have to replace it with something. So it is time to figure out what you want. Then make plans to achieve that future.
5. Surround yourself with friends, counselors, family. Anyone that can help you through. We all need someone to lean on. Don’t go it alone.
What are the most common mistakes people make after they go through a divorce? What can be done to avoid that?
The most common mistake I see made, especially with women, is trying to live the same lifestyle they had before the divorce. The finances will be different for both men and women, and you need to adjust accordingly.
It is easy to say you are making decisions for the best interest of the kids. But, the most important thing for the kid is a loving home. Where stress is as low as possible and they know the parents are there for them.
This can’t always be achieved if some lifestyle changes are not made. Take the time to review your finances, set-up a budget and make wise decisions.
Do you have any favorite books, podcasts, or resources related to this topic that you would recommend to our readers?
I highly recommend reading to anyone. It is the best way to learn about what is going on. After all, you don’t know what you don’t know. And reading will help you know!
I suggest people pick books based on the issues they are dealing with. So, if you are divorcing a narcissist, then get books based on narcissism. If you are struggling with boundaries, then read a book on boundaries.
One book that I suggest everyone read is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This is not a divorce book, but a simple four steps you can take to deal with any situation in life. It is my go-to for almost every problem that I face.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that helped you in this work? Can you share how that was relevant in your real life?
From the Four Agreement book: “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality.” — Don Miguel Ruiz
This is critical for getting through a divorce. You have to remember that what is said and done has nothing to do with you. It is them dealing with their own emotions and situation.
In my own life, this had to become my screensaver. I was born worrying about everyone else, and thinking I was wrong. I had to practice reminding myself that what was being said had nothing to do with me.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you think that will help people?
I am working on an online journaling course. To me, journaling is the best way to sort through your emotions. To learn more about yourself and in general deal with life.
Anyone can do it, anywhere at any time. It has even been shown to improve your outlook on a situation, by simply writing out the experience. Not even dealing with any of the underlying problems. (Although you should still deal with the issues!)
But journaling can be overwhelming if you have never done it. That blank page can be intimidating. So in my work, I teach people easy tricks to start a journaling practice and stick with it.
That is what I am creating the course around. Journaling for Self-Discovery and Emotional Healing.
Because of the position that you are in, you are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. 🙂
More self-love. The more you love yourself, the more you can love others. You can only love others as much as you love yourself.
If you heal yourself and love yourself. Then you can start to spread that around the world. The more people that love themselves, the happier this entire planet will be.
Some of the biggest names in Business, VC funding, Sports, and Entertainment read this column. Is there a person in the world, or in the US with whom you would love to have a private breakfast or lunch with, and why? He or she might just see this if we tag them 🙂
Can I pick two? Warren Buffet and Charlie Munger. Because I am a huge investing nerd and I love business. My undergrad and MBA are in finance. I would not even ask questions, just sit and listen to them talk!