For a moment I was actually convinced what we had that night was love. Not the pure, eternal, and forever type love, but the new, budding, insecure, and complaining love. Remember, before you asked me out we called each other all sort of mean things that I believe we never meant (at least I didn’t, and I know neither did you).
That night when I had you too close, I tried searching love in your eyes and solace in your arms. Before I could quench my search, I felt your lips on mine and the moment melted in fraction of seconds. And in that magical moment, I felt stupid to ask, “When did love knocked in?”
How I wish you would not have heard the question, or at least not answered it. Your answer made me weak. It left me heartbroken. It left me feel stupid and guilty. I had this feeling not because it was just a few moments back that love knocked in, but because the guy I almost slept with could not confess the truth. I felt shattered because the only friend I had in this city did not trust me enough. I don’t say it was even a bit of lust, but it wasn’t a bit of love.
I wish that moment you would not have replied. I wish I would never have asked that…
I know it wasn’t all about you, it was about us. Here’s a serious confession I need to make.
Whatever color the night had, it was special. For it was the first time in months that I had a sound sleep. For it was in years, I trusted someone with the line. I am glad you kept my trust intact. It was for for the first time I realized my idea of love is so different from others. It was that night when I realized I did not deserve the special feeling I was bestowed with. With the idea of love the world has, I am happy being unloved.
Let me tell you something, I did feel loved that night. The moment I had you next to me and all I could feel was the warmth of your body, I felt love. I felt loved when you cuddled me to sleep, I felt loved when you just let me sleep. I felt loved when you held my hand while sleeping, I felt loved listening to your stories.
Also, I am sorry. I’m sorry for I know there was not a single moment when I could make you feel loved. I’m sorry for my idea of love is a cup of tea, a cozy blanket, and love of my life. I’m sorry my idea of love never had intimacy involved. I don’t deny it as an expression of love, but I don’t believe it as a way to express love.
I’m sorry for I know in recent days I have been a complete disaster. Full of contradictions and confusions, full of love and hatred, calm and annoyed all at once.
Maybe that night you tried convincing me love that wasn’t. But I felt home by you. I felt secure. Thank you, for letting me have that feeling, thank you for still making me feel home always…
Maybe now I’m convinced, that night had traces of love.
The Girl You Almost Convinced Love