A Tale of Two Wolves

I have allowed myself to believe that my existence was a mistake... I have allowed my past to define me and prevent me from moving forward... I am a product of what I allow...

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There is a good wolf and an evil wolf that lives in us all I have been told. The tale of the two wolves was recently shared with me. It ended with the question of what wolf are you feeding, the good wolf or the evil wolf? I am told that the one you feed is the one who wins.

I must be honest and admit that I have been feeding the evil wolf. I have been allowing the desires and seductions that this world represents to consume me. Instead of allowing God to work in me in, I am impatient and my actions tell God that I know better than Him, which is absolutely ridiculous.

When I begin to withdraw from the evil wolf, he pursues me. He is not about to let me go easy. He gnaws at me violently. I have moments of feeling completely fit to defeat it, but I have more moments of feeling weak and not knowing if I have any fight left in me to defeat it.

He wants me to give in. He wants me to go back to how I was living before. He tries to make me believe that I could go back just one more time and then I can choose a different path later on. He is an expert at making me believe that if I just go back to where I used to reside, I will get relief. I am starting to make myself believe that one more trip in that direction will be okay.

He tells me to come back to what I know. He plays with my emotions and tells me that I have already messed up too many times and that there is no way I can come back from where I have been. He tells me that I am damaged and beyond repair. He tells me to just come back to where it is comfortable. He tells that if I dare go against the flow of this world I will feel rejection rip through me so forcefully that I will not know what hit me.

He tells me that my past defines who I am and even if I tried to escape his world, no one will accept me in the new world. He tells me that I have defiled myself too much for anyone to take me seriously. He knows my weaknesses. He places those who have the disguise of good intentions on my path to distract me. He laughs silently as he watches me fall for the façade of the person I thought I knew.

He knows my pattern. He watches as I let my guard down. He watches as I allow filth into my life. He watches as I compromise myself to the one I thought was pure with good intentions and he awaits my fall. He knows the fall will happen, and continues to watch as I put my hope and faith into a foundation that is nothing more than quicksand. He watches as the foundation I thought to be solid crumbles and I grasp at anything or anyone to get relief.

He waits… He knows my pattern… I sink into a cloud of misery. I no longer want to exist. He is now fully fed with my anger, my sorrow, my regret, my envy, my self-pity, my guilt, my shame, my inferiority, my pride, my self-harm and my ego. The evil wolf has succeeded in pulling me over to his side. I tell myself that I am done. I keep on making harmful decisions, knowing full well that what I am choosing is not right. What good am I? I tell myself that my existence is a mistake.

But then a verse that seems to come out of nowhere comes to mind, the words of Paul the Apostle in Romans 7:15-25 “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but the sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.”

Alas! We all sin and fall short of the glory of God. At times I believe that I am the only one who struggles and everyone else has it right, then to see the words of Paul, I am reminded that we are all human and we all struggle.

I am reminded that God is all powerful and that I can return to Him. I am reminded that the enemy lies and will support me in my misery if I allow it. And I have allowed it. But more so I must be reminded of Jesus’ words in Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I had a wonderful feeling of peace last night. I woke up this morning feeling vulnerable and unsure. That is usually the cue for the enemy to consume me with his lies. I felt hurt, but logic told me that it would pass. It is a feeling. It is not forever. Every fiber in my being wanted to do what I usually do when I am feeling bad. Today I denied the flesh. I prayed to God to help me. I told Him that I could not do it alone. I feel the battle within, but I continue to say no.

For I know what I need to do and I need to continuously remind myself of God’s promises. As put so eloquently in Isaiah 55:8-9 “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” 

The good wolf is finally being fed… 

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