He saw her walk in. His hope was that she would not see him. He looked away in the hopes that she would walk by. He may have cared for her at one time, but not anymore. He decided that he did not want her any longer. He breathed a sigh of relief when she walked passed him. “That was a close one,” he thought to himself. He took the last drink of his coffee and stood up.
Just as he was about to sneak out, he saw as she walked toward him. “Damn,” he thought, “there is no way to escape now.” Although they communicated rarely via text message, he could not recall the last time he actually spoke to her in person. In just seconds she was going to be right in front of him. He figured that she would greet him and they would have a little small talk and then she would be gone and he could leave.
She sat down at the table he now stood over. He was not sure what to do, so he sat down too. He was about to greet her, but before he could get a word out, she spoke. Because of the internal verbal dialogue in his head, he missed what she said, and awkwardly uttered, “Huh?”
This time he heard her, but did not know what to say. She said, “I know that you have moved on with your life. I understand. I did not come over here to argue with you. I just want to know how you moved on so quickly. I am hurting. I hate that I miss you and I would like to move on too. Please tell me what to do. Most people tell me that it takes time, but you didn’t take time. You seem fine.”
Stunned at her request, he was at a loss for words. The silence did not seem to shake her, as she truly appeared to be looking for answers. She did not come off as malicious, but rather genuinely seeking his help. She spoke again, “I have been told that I should not talk to you and should just cut you out of my life completely. I ignored that advice at first, because I thought we could be acquaintances at least. But I found that it was hurting me as I basically had a front row seat of you moving on. I am not blaming you for moving on. I tried to do it too. But for me I found that it wasn’t moving on, but it was just me trying to cover my hurt. And it didn’t work. Please tell me what I have to do to be like you and be okay. Please.”
He stammered, “I don’t know what you mean.” She continued, “I cry a lot for you. You hurt me. I know that this is naïve, but I really believed that we would stay together. I believed you. But now all I want is to let you go and move on. I want to stop having distractions and just be okay, but I keep reverting back to you. I must seem pathetic to you right now. I still miss you. I know that you do not miss me and do not want me, so please tell me what to do. Tell me how to not miss you anymore.”
He was dumbfounded by how she chose her words. He believed that she was not being mean or trying to cause drama, but he had no answers for her. He wanted to comfort her, as he could tell she was in distress, but instead he stood up and said, “I have to go.” With those words he walked as fast as he could out the door. He got into his truck as fast as he could and peeled out.
He felt bad as he drove away, but he could not face her. He did not want to face her. Little did he know that his cowardly behavior actually helped her. She did not think he was a spiteful guy, instead understood that they both traveled in the same metaphorical boat.
The only difference was that in that instance that he walked away from her she chose to jump ship. She knew that he would not give her answers because he had no answers for her. She laughed to herself, as she now knew how ridiculous it was to try to get answers from a man who promised her the world and then told her he was no longer sure of her with the same tongue.
In that moment she recalled the proverb, “Truthful lips endure forever, but a lying tongue only lasts a moment.” Maybe he did not mean to lie, but she knew that he did have a lying tongue; as if it spoke truth he would have remained at the table with her.
He could not give her what she needed when they were together, it made no sense that he could even give her any sort of relief now that he was no longer with her. At first she was upset with herself for giving someone so much mind, that didn’t give her any mind.
But she stopped herself. She meant everything she said to him. She was genuine with her words from the beginning to the end. In that moment of realization, she knew that the tears she shed were not wasted. Not even one. As she chose the path of facing what she was afraid of: feeling the hurt… allowing her heart to break… allowing time to do it’s healing…
She was no longer going to be ashamed of who she was. She was not the best person, but she was truthful and would no longer try to change what others called flaws.
She knew that he could not handle the reality of her and for that she was grateful to him for leaving. What he had to offer was temporary and it was about time she focused on what was eternal.