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A Light In The Chaos

How Grief Forced Me to Take the Red Pill in Order to Awaken to Peace

Image courtesy of © Captblack76/Dreamstime

“After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember: all I’m offering is the truth. Nothing more.”
– Morpheus | The Matrix, 1999

I wouldn’t say I was asleep before the loss.

As a child, I was very in touch with my gifts of intuition and an openness to spiritual realms. But then I lost my mother. My father. Aunts. All of my grandparents.
The losses accumulated and little by little I ignored my gifts; closing myself off from them to be able to function in this world that demands of us every day. I voluntarily entered a cocoon for comfort, to retreat away from deeper knowledge and understanding.

Then I met my beloved. He reintroduced me to that part of myself that I had hidden away and cut off communication with. I made peace with God and myself as a spiritual being and the gateway to awareness unlocked.

Yet, I was still living comfortably in my cocoon with all of its luxuries.

When he passed, I again saw signs and synchronicity. I could have gone back to ignoring these messages focusing solely on work, paying bills and going through the motions of a “regular” life. But I did not want to forget , not continue to ignore this part of myself that my beloved had brought back to my attention as I had done as part of my coping mechanism with the passing of my mother, father and the rest of the family. Instead, I followed the signs which led me into an understanding and awareness I couldn’t possibly imagine.

Like the character Neo in The Matrix, suddenly the warm, womb-like chamber I had rested in peacefully emptied itself, broke open, and ejected me painfully into the cold and the dark.

Despite my desire to embrace this part of myself, I still tried to crawl back into the cocoon and suture it up with blissful ignorance for a period after his death. What I hadn’t immediately realized was that the cocoon was destroyed and I could not go back because the butterfly had already emerged. I couldn’t return into a space that no longer fit it and covered up my beautiful wings.

I was changed forever.

“Do not try and bend the spoon, that’s impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth—there is no spoon. Then you’ll see that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself.”
– A Potential to Neo | The Matrix

Before the loss, I experienced the physical world through the lens of my mind – what I could see and touch. As things began to “happen to me” that I couldn’t make sense of, I realized I had to shift my understanding to allow the possibility that in death the prevalent identity of the body shifts into a new identity – Consciousness.

Now here is where we can get into verses from the Bible or quantum theory discussions and scientific claims, but this is not the point that I am trying to make.

When I look up into the stars from my apartment, I can feel that there is a world and Universe bigger than myself. There are forces that affect events that take place that we cannot explain. Once, there was a time when we believed it was impossible to go to the moon or travel beyond our own star. “The discovery of these things were possible because we allowed our minds to be flexible and entertain the possibility that there was something greater beyond our imagination.

So could we be flexible in allowing the possibility that we can still connect with our loved ones even though they are not physically present?

Would you like to try?

[Please have a notebook or paper handy and read the exercise through first so you know what to do]

Sit in a comfortable space with the lights dimmed and music/TV/phone off.

Place your feet on the floor so you feel grounded.

Close your eyes and take a deep breath through your nose and out through your mouth.

Imagine yourself walking down a long hall filled with soft white light.

This hallway has many doors, both on the left and right sides.

You walk down this hall feeling relaxed, taking easy steps.

You stop at the door that you are meant to open.

You open the door and see a beautiful room decorated in soft pink and white hues.

You are completely relaxed.

In this space you can ask your loved one a question. Wait for a couple of moments.

You may receive an answer in the form of a thought, an image or a song.

You may sit in this space for as long as you like. And when you are ready, you may leave the room as you walk back down the hallway and open your eyes.

What did you receive? Write it down.

You can try this short exercise anytime you wish. But it is a good example of what is possible to experience if we allow ourselves to change our thinking for even a brief moment.

Your mind may tell you that what you heard or saw was not real. That your conscious did not connect with another conscious.

And it is OK to doubt but ask yourself in the moment that you were in the presence of your beloved, did you feel unsafe or foolish or did you feel the depth of love or peace with your loved one?

If you felt love and warmth, is it unrealistic to bend your mind like the spoon and allow yourself to experience that re-assuring moment whenever you are feeling depleted?

As those still here living, seeking the truth and being aware as to where our loved ones go when they pass will not make the journey without them easier, but it does provide a gateway that when we need them the most we can connect to their healing love.

IN LOVE & LIGHT

Originally published at lightinthechaos.wordpress.com

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