Why finding yourself first matters.
I wish I had known this many years ago so I would avoid going through one of my most painful periods of life. But I didn’t. No one told me.
I believed that if I find the right partner that I’ll be genuinely happy and the life will become easy. There would be no more reason to struggle or to be worried. Everyone around seemed to share the same belief. My girlfriends were looking for men whom they could married and have kids.
I was heartbroken because the one I thought was the Mr. Right wasn’t available and willing to give it a real try. I left to China where I was looking for what I couldn’t seem to find in others within myself.
For the first time I began asking myself questions about how I feel. I was brutally honest and willing to look at every part of me that I was avoiding for so many years. There was a lot of stuff. More than I initially thought.
I was surprised by all those things that come to surface that I was so desperately trying to hide. It felt like I was finally seeing clearly what I had created. All my relationships made sense.
They ended because I secretly wanted to end them so I could justify my deep hurt and pain. I had no idea what a self-worth was. No one around me showed me how to love and honor myself. Although I knew how miserably I felt about myself and my life subconsciously I wanted to avoid looking at it so I wouldn’t have to do anything about it.
Luckily, I became a student of A Course in Miracles — a book that has changed my life forever. A Course in Miracles teaches that each relationship is an assignment for us to see what we have to heal within ourselves so we can grow. By focusing on the other person we miss this amazing opportunity and will repeat the same mistakes over again.
The truth is that most of the problems in relationships aren’t about the other person but they’re all about us. Problems painfully point to all those uncomfortable feelings and beliefs that we hold about ourselves and we’re unwilling to look at them.
Therefore we receive the perfect assignment in form of a partner who mirrors to us anything we need to heal.
We can do wonders to avoid looking within but once the other partner reassure all those negative feelings that we believe about ourselves we have no choice but feeling them. This is a healing and it happens for us, we just don’t know about it.
What we believe about ourselves isn’t true.
It comes from our family of origin in which we began to believe in the same things as they do. They also bought these patterns from their parents. The same patterns can go on and on for many generations until someone says, “Wait is it true what I believe?”
Looking at uncomfortable beliefs and feelings which we want to avoid sets us free so we don’t have to repeat these patterns any longer.
In China I did just what a Course in Miracles guided me to do. I looked within and also at every belief that I held about myself. Every day I felt freer and happier. I felt happy because under all those layers of painful beliefs I found who I truly was.
And as it happens when you become ready to set yourself free from past pain, you’re ready for something genuine that mirrors you back what you found within. So did I meet my husband just four days after I returned from China.
If you want to experience an amazing partnership based on equality, love, and mutual respect then stop hiding from yourself. Build the greatest relationship of your life with yourself first so you allow the great partner to step into your life.
Originally published at medium.com