[unedited, raw, vulnerable]
November 13, 2017
It’s been two days since I last said goodbye to you and earlier I found myself missing you already. In fact, as soon as I realized it was time to say goodbye, I found myself thinking of you, longing for you, and wishing, yet again, that we could have a better relationship than we do; wishing things were different between us.
You see, the role you’ve played in my life has been purposeful, meaningful, and at times necessary. I had no other means by which to process my world, sit with my pain, comfort myself and so the role you played was valid, it was welcome, it was familiar. It was like “coming home”, even in its unhealthy dysfunction.
But, here’s the thing: I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you in my life anymore. I have spent the last five years creating “healthy” boundaries with you, ones that have allowed for you to not take over my life and my happiness and yet those boundaries no longer seem like enough. I want to consistently honor myself and I cannot seem to do that if you’re also a part of my life — no matter how big or small your role is. Your presence seems to suck the life out of my self-confidence, steal every last ounce of my inspiration and make me feel unworthy of the love I’ve spent the last five years cultivating for myself.
It appears you are one of the last unhealthy, dysfunctional patterns left to leave my life. (At least the last that I know of. I’m sure there are more waiting to be discovered!)
I am grateful for the years in which you allowed me to escape my reality and in some ways, connect deeper with others, my dad included. I am grateful for the years in which you helped me to cope with a life I was ill-equipped to understand and ill-equipped to handle. I am grateful for the years in which I could dive into your warmth and spend an evening alone with you, wrapped in your embrace.
And I’m grateful that I’ve realized that it’s time to let you go.
My self-worth doesn’t need a crutch anymore. I’ve realized that I’m stronger than I ever knew, whole without you and freer when I’m not bound by the insecurity you bring into my life.
I send you out into the Universe with love, gratitude and light. I am not angry. I am not resentful. I am not afraid. I am not ashamed. I am just done; I’m ready to stop losing all that I love about me every time I engage in a single second with you.
I am ready to mourn you and learn new ways to heal from the impact you’ve had on my life.
I know that this next year of life will be the best year yet; I’m calling it the Year of Greatness. I want to be present for every last moment — every last ounce of exhilaration, success, fear, hope, joy, pain, growth and love. I want to stay connected to it all and I’m oh, so ready to.
Alcohol, I wish you well.
I thank you and I’m honored to have known you.
November 14, 2017
To my fellow tribesmen and women,
I’ve spent 21 years doing a dance with alcohol — rotating who takes the lead. And over the past four years, I’ve led consistently. But the truth is, I’ve risen again — I’ve grown more — and now it’s time to fully step into that growth and release another dysfunction that that no longer serves me to hold on to. It’s time to fully let alcohol go.
I’ve committed to one year (and will reassess on 11/11/18) but I suspect this will turn into a lifestyle as I watch myself continue to heal, blossom, grow and glow. I can feel my new glow already lighting up from within and I am so honored to feel it. The “inner glow” feels like the warmth of a candle, beginning to thaw the places within me that are still frozen, still longing, still holding onto the fear that I am not enough. . . . I can feel my personal sense of unworthiness melting away and being replaced with the warmth of my love, God’s love and pure love.
In my book, When Soulmates Unite – Learning to Love Ourselves from the People Who Can Hurt Us the Most, I say that Step Two in the process of learning to love Self is letting go of what no longer serves us.
Step One: Learning to love Self
Step Two: Learning to treat ourselves like we are worthy of being loved
Here’s another step for me in the direction of treating myself like I am worthy of being loved.
And as I always say: As we heal ourselves, we heal one another.
There’s meaning in everything and everyone.