BPD and Me – living a ‘normal’ life
So today has been somewhat of a rollercoaster.
I woke up to feel the throbbing pain of now day 4 of a migraine and sore knees and wanted just to go back to sleep but I knew my son needed breakfast (he was already up, I’d heard the tv come on 20minutes earlier) and the dog needed to go out for a wee!
So up I get, bacon butties and squash for the boy and strong coffee and porridge for me. My head still pounding and now anxiety has decided to have a go………..
thoughts creeping into my mind, negative, over the top but fear provoking thoughts “what if it’s a tumour” you’ve made it worse, feeding it with caffeine” “what if I’m dying or what if this pain never ends” my mind was spinning out thought after thought whilst I’m merely trying to muster up the energy to tackle the day!
I let my son know I needed to go upstairs for a while. I had to stop this line of thinking before a panic attack strikes
⭐️Coping method 1 – I spent 10minutes of a guided meditation for dealing with pain – Result – feeling calm, anxiety at normal level
I needed to run some errands and my partner had agreed to look after my son. Sunglasses on(even though it was wet and cloudy but too bright for my thumping head) and off I go, first stop the pet store. Get what I need then the spontaneous bit of BPD kicks in, I want to spend money(a problem I battle daily but with careful budgeting I conquer daily too) I know there’s gift shops just around the corner, lots of lovely items I’ve seen many times but decided were unnecessary every time before.
My mind filling me with ideas why today was ok, why today an exception could be made, I mean I’m in pain, I deserve a treat, how good would it make me feel, let’s just take a look were some of the qualifying thoughts I was giving myself.
The reality is that I knew I didn’t have the spare money this week, I had done minimum hours owing to my decline in health over the last few weeks and all money had been budgeted for so in comes;
⭐️coping method 2 – conscious spending, which consists of me running questions through my mind to put myself off spending money unnecessarily, things like “when will I use this” why do I want to buy ……?” Do I have anything similar” – Result – I left without buying anything other then what was on my list. I felt good as I recognised this was emotional spending in a bid to try and feel happy through today’s pain
When I got home I made lunch, done some housework and thankfully my headache was now just a dull ache but my knees weren’t feeling too great so I knew I needed to rest them, I was also having palpitations, no trigger for them but these do invoke fear of a panic attack so I needed something to distract me, so I got the arts and crafts station ready (kitchen table!) for me and my son to get creative so I’m now at
⭐️Coping method 3 – therapeutic art, getting the creative juices flowing does wonders for keeping an anxious mind quiet, it’s great practice at mindfulness and it’s fun too and of course I got to spend quality time with my son – Result – calm, happy and less sore knees 😀
So you see although a mind actively wishing to insight anxiety and panic attacks, wish you emotionally indulge in spending activities and a body that throws a whole lot of pain at you; there are coping methods and to be fair they help me create a relative sense of normality even when it’s a continuous battle inside my head.
The rest of my day has been fairly chilled, worked a bit on my business, fed the humans and animals of the house and chilled out in front of a film.