6 Ways To Reverse Engineer Self Confidence

The past can continue to provide strength for the future and even replace what was once lost.

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My confidence was at an all time low due to marital issues not resolved that led to another emotionally and financially devastating divorce.

Reading self-help books for over four decades, I knew the answer was within, but how would I get there?

A lightbulb went off in my head when I understood the six basic needs of a child (as described by Marisa Peer).

Those same needs a child must have for confidence were not being met as I was an adult recovering from the crash.

But I could barely spell the word confidence during those months… how would I get back to my old self?

If the six needs were unmet and created an insecure child lacking self confidence, then building these up as an adult would create great confidence, right?

I was fortunate I got many of my basic needs met from my single mother.

Looking back on my life, I knew my original confidence was the backbone of my tenacious attitude.

My mother passed on over 34 years ago though, and it’s been up to me to parent myself since then.

I had to be my own parent and provide the six needs that I was now missing as an adult.

It was me who was going to provide for myself and I was up for the challenge.

The first need of a child is I MATTER.

I had to be honest and admit I wasn’t showing myself I mattered.

Not with the food choices I made or the the way I worked.

I overdid all of it and knew I needed an adjustment.

I showed myself I MATTERED by creating a personal self care routine and making it non-negotiable.

Just like a good parent would make sure their child has a clean face and brushes their teeth, I became that parent that insisted on the skin care regime, the water flosser and the meticulous oral care routine.

I felt better being committed to this, it gave me a routine that was all about taking good care of me.

The second need of a child is I’M SIGNIFICANT.

I wasn’t feeling significant after my separation and subsequent divorce.

This displayed itself in different ways, like compromising and sometimes looking the other way on things.

I no longer look the the other way and stopped compromising. 

I took care of things even when I didn’t want to do it.

I became the most significant person in my life and it started to benefit everyone around me.

Refusing to compromise, having patience and working to get what I wanted build up some strength in me over time.

Third most important thing is I’M LOVABLE.

We never think about being unlovable until we lose love.

It never occurred to me that I was unlovable until it felt like it was lost.

I began to walk on a serious path of loving myself.

I became my best friend, cheering myself on and always congratulating myself for little wins.

I felt lovable and became lovable because I totally loved myself unconditionally. What a concept…

Number four is I’M ENOUGH.

This plagues more people than anything else.

At one point in our life, we may feel we are not enough and some of us have felt that way our entire lives with no relief.

Approving of myself, especially my mistakes(!) became an internal goal.

I began to laugh at all the mistakes and realized they would never end until I did, so I started embracing every little thing.

Even and especially the errors of my life that are never-ending. 

I treated myself like a toddler, never scolding internally for mistakes but always telling myself I could do it or that it will be okay and I will do better next time.

The fifth need of a child is to KNOW THEIR PARENT IS PROUD OF THEM AND CARES ABOUT THEM.

That one was easy to figure out.

I had to continue being proud of myself for every little thing I did and be a loving parent when things didn’t work out and no matter what, I was committed to caring for myself.

As I began to meet these basic needs for myself I genuinely did care more about myself because we love more when we give more and giving more to myself created more love.

The six need of a child is to feel SAFE.

Of all the six needs, feeling safe is the one I didn’t always feel as a child and it has caused me anguish as an adult (to say the least).

Not feeling safe made me averse to risk, procrastinate, make excuses and sabotage myself countless times.

It wasn’t a physical safety, but an emotional one I was lacking.

To create a safe feeling around emotions, I did a lot of contemplating and soul searching.

I chased God some more and tried all sorts of ways to make myself feel safe, but what worked for me was finally having faith in myself again, because I had lost that.

I had lots of faith in my capabilities when I was a little kid and looking back on my previous success decades ago, I had tremendous faith in myself and what I could do.

Failing never occurred to me back then – I thought I could do what I wanted if I put my mind to it.

But, as an adult with many decades of living on earth, I was familiar with failure, especially in marriage.

That failure was transferred to other areas of my psyche and I no longer felt safe in all areas of my life and this distrust in myself made me not trust anyone else.

Leading my internal world to safety meant I had to risk.

I had to risk with others, financially and just about everything in life.

Living is risking and after evaluating all of it (and being honest with myself) I knew that life was safer than I was telling myself and believing it to be.

I purposely trusted myself (even when I didn’t feel like it) and when mistakes happened I told myself it was okay and didn’t attack myself.

I was literally raising myself again… for months… and I liked the parenting job I was doing.

I met all my needs and built up my self confidence.

I found inspiration from my original batch of self-confidence given to me in my childhood.

It is my youth elixir, the pure confidence from my earlier days which is incredible as anyone can tap into this originality and boost or build self-confidence.

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