Rita’s dad didn’t approve of her choice to join a mastermind to help her grow her business. Rita said she was expecting a long email from him filled with judgments. As she waited for that email, she was figuring out what she would write back.
Jan, one of my Platinum-level coaching clients, bought her dream house. She avoided telling her friends about it for fear that they would judge her, or call her irresponsible. She was “gearing up” to explain her choice to them.
After much deliberation, Patrick hired a personal assistant. He was happy and excited to share it with the Uplevel Academy mastermind. When I sat down and talked with him about his choice (and to celebrate!), I learned that he was feeling sheepish, “like a diva or something.” He hadn’t told anyone in his life about this choice because he didn’t yet have the words to “explain his choice.”
Now, there are some people who might read these stories and think, “Are you kiddin’ me? Who cares what anyone thinks about your houses or masterminds or anything??!”
If this is you, then read no further. This article is not for you.
I’m writing this for the “explainers” out there. And it doesn’t matter if you explain to parents, partners, or priests. You know who you are!
You’ve heard me talk about the benefits of going “Complaint-Free,” right? Well, today, we’re going to talk about going “Explaint-Free!”
And here are 6 irresistible reasons to do just that:
When I’m coaching an explainer, I can see that much of her energy goes to the act ofwaiting.
She waits for judgment.
She waits for people to “get” her before she’ll take action.
She waits for people to approve of her choice.
She waits for criticism.
This literally drains her creative life force. Both women in the examples above were losing energy waiting for criticism.
Here’s your first big challenge: Give up the non-activity of waiting.
Explaining robs you of empowerment.
Our decisions teach us valuable lessons about intuition and instinct. RARELY do our clear decisions come from our mental activity. Gut instinct is clearer than our critical minds.
When we explain ourselves, however, we move away from the place of deep trust in our intuition and into the realm of mental activity – where the choice didn’t come from in the first place! We’ve suddenly stopped honoring and trusting ourselves and started creating a pattern of mental activity as we question our choices.
Creativity means you’re the Creator of your life. You’re a Creator. Not a Reactor. When you explain yourself, you become a “Reactor.” You can’t live in both realms at once. They contradict each other. Living in a state of reaction causes you to cut off the flow of creativity.
Yes, I’m serious about this!
Becoming an adult in the deepest sense is about learning to take responsibility for your actions and choices. Sometimes that means other people won’t like these actions and choices. And what a great opportunity people provide when they do that!
I once heard a relationship coach say that love can sometimes mean letting your partner be disappointed in your choices. Think about that. Can you stand in your body and love someone enough to allow them not be happy with a choice you’re making?
People who take personal responsibility for their lives do not blame others (or themselves) for their unhappiness, for their life situations, or for their financial state, etc. Instead, they recognize that they created it, and they can un-create or re-create anything. It’s an empowering place to live.
Many people do not live in this level of personal responsibility. They are too busy blaming other people, taking other people’s inventory, and looking outside themselves for their happiness. Teacher and author Byron Katie calls this minding other people’s business instead of your own.
Your choice to explain yourself teaches other people that it’s okay not to take responsibility, and that it’s okay to mind your business instead of their own. Your explanations actually perpetuate the pattern of irresponsibility!
Explainers are waiting for permission, or approval, or for people to “get” their choices. So much unhappiness and depression comes from a lifetime of waiting for these meaningless things. It’s the ultimate meaning of Playing Small.
Playing Big means being clear, and making decisions from your soul. And your soul doesn’t feel the need to explain anything!