- Need for approval
Roughly 80% of the things that we do in life are out of the need for acceptance and approval. How many times do you feel like doing one thing, but you end up doing the opposite so you don’t disappoint a loved one? How many times you were silent when you wanted to stand up and defend someone because you were afraid to be judged?
I grew up with my grandmother. Her upbringing was very different from mine. Therefore, the beliefs and values instilled in me were mostly rooted in fear. Some fear-based beliefs of mine were: fear to be yourself, fear of not surviving, fear of being labeled “a whore”. We are meant to be free to express ourselves, but that doesn’t mean we get to walk around naked if you feel like it. If I feel like dancing in public – I do it! If I feel like coming up to a stranger and telling him I like his green eyes – I do it (even though I’m shy)!
I wasn’t partying in college because I wanted to be a good student and get approval of my family. But who the f*ck cares about that? Would I feel enriched or depleted, if I got a lesser grade but experienced a few moments of joy, laughter and connection with friends? Every time I choose to please and conform to a societal standard or some judgmental a**hole I am robbing myself from being my authentic self. By doing that, my self esteem goes down because I was being fake for the sake of someone liking “me”. We are losing ourselves at the cost of our self worth. We are literally wasting ourselves to please others. No Bueno.
2. Wanting to be right
How many times have you wanted to win an argument? Most likely every single time. How much energy and time have we spent arguing with one another? I can say that during most of my conversations with people I’m not even listening to what they have to say. Everything they say is passed through the filter of my reality or stories I’ve told myself about events, people, and circumstances. I used to have a story that “the world and people are indifferent”. So what am I supposed to reflect back at me when the ‘world is not even listening’? The world where people don’t hear or see me!
I know I know it all and you don’t seem to get it. Story of my life.
Weather is too hot or too cold or too windy. People are slow. People are mean and detached. Everyone is on their cell phones. There’s never enough time. People don’t keep their word. I keep making the same damn mistakes over and over and over again. I’m too hot, I’m too cold. I’m itchy. I’m hungry. I didn’t get what I wanted in the restaurant. It’s always someone else’s fault but not mine. What we don’t know is that we are generating that reality by our victim filter. Once I decide I am a victim I will always attract people and circumstances to match it. I’ll be the one to lift that spell I’ve put on myself. We pay with our relationships, quality of life, scarcity mentality and mediocre life for this filter/story we tell ourselves. Very high price.
Is it worth it? Being a victim? Instead, use whatever happened in your past to inspire you to make you who you are today. Don’t be a whiny bitch!
4. Need to be in control
This one is my favorite one. Because when I feel like I’m losing control I just become much more controlling. This makes me completely step out of my power. And the more controlling I am, more power I lose and things fall apart completely. When I’m trying to be in control from the ego standpoint the people I interact with feel cheated and manipulated. That causes me to become weak, needy and pathetic. There’s nothing worse than feeling someone is making you do things to feel in control. You become part of a game that their ego plays for the win. You don’t have to get caught up in those ego games. Surrender and be. Live and be merry! It’s that simple. Really.
5. “Opening up” without actually opening up and being vulnerable
The way I open up sometimes does not come from a place of love or vulnerability. It comes from “I want you to do what I have done so I can help you” because (from this context) you need help = you are not whole and you are helpless. I am better than you are. How is that empowering for people? The context I’m speaking from is you are lacking in something, and by me sharing with you I can help you fix it.
Be vulnerable without an agenda. Be vulnerable and open to get connected to another soul and feel love. Love and connection is the best drug there is. We all crave it. We all need it. It rocks!