A 5-Step Process for Managing Your Anger

It's all about leveraging your anger for better outcomes

Image of model Sophie Gerber by Ben and Zie

When malleable, anger can be an excellent ally. Here’s how. 

I don’t get angry often. Perhaps a couple of times a year. I may get irritated but not irate. Slightly moody but rarely mad. Day-to-day I exist in an even-keeled state — never too excitable.

But when I am provoked it’s akin to a bull in a china shop. Though I’m not an astrology enthusiast, as an April-born there’s something to be said about the feisty spirit of the Taurus who quickly snaps out of its docile state when a red flag is waved.

Recently I became angry because of an institution that disrespected me and violated my trust, but didn’t have the competence or self-awareness to understand why. 

My first reaction was complete indignation. Then I calmed down and considered simply overlooking it. Ultimately, I decided it was a wonderful opportunity to practice putting my anger to good use.

I’ve been experimenting with a 5-step anger management process that allows me to control and direct it towards more favorable outcomes. It may also help you leverage intense negative emotions and make them work in your favor. 

1. Don’t ignore it

Trying to suppress your anger is ineffective, and according to Harvard Health can even be dangerous to your heart and overall health. 

Until my mid-twenties this was my main tactic and it would always backfire. Sure, you may take the edge off in the moment but it’s only temporary relief. Down the line those emotions have a tendency to build up and resurface when not thoroughly addressed.

So profess your anger and call it for what it is (whether or not the circumstances warrant it, you should not deny your feelings). 

The simple act of owning how you feel means you are being realistic, and that’s the best state of mind for moving through the rest of the anger management process.

2. Don’t succumb to it

This is easier said than done which is why step 1 is so important. If you can’t even recognize or accept the emotional state you are in, then you definitely won’t be able to control impulse decisions, words, and actions.

After owning your feelings, find the least harmful way to vent.

Instead of writing that angry email and sending it, write it then save it to your drafts. Instead of snapping on your partner to his or her face, go to a private room and unleash your wrath … at the wall.

Again, don’t suppress but vent in a way that won’t do any damage (to yourself or others) until you can get back to a more rational state. 

Release all that built up tension in a controlled environment. But don’t downplay or forget what comes out of this bitch session. You’ll need to revisit this in a later step.

3. Sleep on it

Now it’s time to create some distance between you and the incident that spurred your outrage. Let some time past before you reopen the case and think about the best way to react. 

Even for the situations that can’t be realistically revisited (like falling out with a stranger you’ll never see again) it’s still important to emotionally step away from the event and return to it later when you can think clearly.

After being emotionally disrupted you need time to get back to equilibrium. Everything from your heart rate and blood pressure to your thoughts are off kilter. If you aren’t careful this could spill over into other areas of your life. 

Don’t allow one isolated situation to define your mood and determine the outcome of your day. Step away. Let it go for a sufficient period of time.

Use these tips from the The American Psychological Association if you find it difficult to calm down.

4. Reconsider it

It typically takes me a good night’s sleep and a full 24 hours to be in the position to return to something that so thoroughly pissed me off — enough time to have almost forgotten about the situation. 

But don’t drop it because this is the personal development phase. You’ll not only more effectively address this particular situation, you’ll learn from it and strengthen your ability to deal with future frustrations.

Go back to all your secret rants and raves in step 3. Now consider, what actually needs to be said or done vs. what should be discarded because it won’t improve the outcomes for you or anyone else involved? 

Ask yourself what needs to be communicated to the other party (if possible) regarding their offensive behavior, but also what wrong did you commit? What have you learned from all of this?

There’s a lot of truth that bubbles out of us when we’re in an agitated state. Find that truth then deliver it via constructive feedback to the offending party — but also to yourself.

5. React when ready

With a better handle on your emotions and a clear course of action you’re almost ready to approach the individual, institution, or situation. But, don’t feel compelled to rush into this. 

You might still desire to sit on it for a bit longer. Or perhaps call a friend who can provide support as well as a more unbiased perspective.

Consider a few potential scenarios that may come out of your reaction (there’s no guarantee it will work out in your favor). If you feel sufficiently empowered to handle these different scenarios, move forward. 

No matter the result, it is sure to be better than what would have ensued if you allowed rage to cloud sound judgment.


Seneca, the ancient philosopher, would not necessarily agree with my approach. In his work De Ira (“On Anger”) he communicates a bias towards not allowing situations to get you upset in the first place. 

I see his point which is why I mingle with Stoicism so that, in most cases, I can refrain from falling into anger’s trap.

However, there will always be situations that arise and throw you off guard. These are the situations that can do the most damage if you don’t have a set of tools you can use to navigate out of tricky terrain.

So yes, avoid anger as best you can. But if one day you inevitably fall short it doesn’t mean you have to be a victim (or victimize someone else). Knowing how to use anger as an apparatus will be your best defense and you’ll come out stronger in the aftermath.

Originally published at

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