Are you in the midst of serious crisis because you just discovered that your boyfriend is two timing you? Has your person done the unthinkable and cheated on you with someone else?
There is truly nothing worse than discovering the person who you loved and trusted has chosen to be intimate with someone else. The betrayal and hurt that you are feeling right now is probably significant.
Fortunately, there are things that you can do to manage that pain and process how to move forward, whether you want to forgive and move forward or walk away.
Here are 5 things to do, right now, if your boyfriend is two timing you.
#1 – Call him out on it.
First and foremost, you need to tell your boyfriend that you are aware of the cheating. No matter how you found out, let him know that you know, what you know and demand to hear from him what has happened.
He will most likely deny the charges at first. He won’t want to hurt you and most likely feels guilty about what he has done so his sense of self preservation will kick in. If you know for a fact that he did it, don’t let him convince you otherwise. We don’t want to believe that our partner is cheating but if we learn they are, they most likely are. If you let him convince you otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for pain again in the future.
It is essential that your boyfriend own what he has done or is doing. If he doesn’t do that, if he gaslights you and says that you are crazy and paranoid, I would consider skipping ahead to #5. If he won’t admit what he is doing, you can no longer trust him and without trust your relationship is doomed.
#2 – Talk about it.
If your boyfriend has admitted that he is, or was, cheating on you, it’s time to talk about the where and why.
For many people who have been cheated on, the need to know details is significant. How did it happen? Where did it happen? How long has it been going on? Why did you do it? They are so taken aback by it all that they just need more info.
If your boyfriend is two timing you, push him to give you the details you need. In my experience, I have found that if the one who was cheated on has as many details as they need they are more able to move forward with the relationship.
He might not be willing, or able, to give you details because of his guilt or because he doesn’t want to hurt you or he might even try to brush off what happened as not a big deal. If this happens, make it clear to him that, without your questions answered, you won’t be able to move forward together.
It is also important to decide, together, whether you truly want to work through this and build a happy relationship. It is essential that both parties are truly interested in making things work. If the cheater wants to try but his girlfriend knows that she can’t get past it, there is no point in trying. If the girlfriend wants to make it work but the guy isn’t all in, then the relationship will never be a healthy one.
So, talk about what happened and what you both want to do moving forward. Working through this, no matter what the outcome, is a team effort.
#3 – Think about it.
Once you have the information that you need, it’s time for you to step back and process what you know. It is really up to you to decide what you want to do moving forward.
I would encourage you to think about your self-blame – do you blame yourself for not being good enough or being stupid to not have recognized what was going on? If you are, know that you aren’t to blame. That, yes, there are two people in every relationship and two people responsible for its weakness, but you chose not to cheat. You are not to blame.
I would also encourage you to think about whether you can move forward with your person. Can there ever be a chance that you could trust them again and be willing to work to repair your relationship?
I would encourage you to think about whether you can forgive your person. I am not saying that you should forget what happened but will you be able to be with this person and every time you look at them not think about the infidelity? Will you constantly remind them that they betrayed you?
If you won’t be able to forgive them, if you can never trust them and if you will continue with the self-blame and the need to hurt him, getting past this infidelity will be difficult.
#4 – Don’t act on it.
No matter what, I would encourage you to not reach out to your boyfriend’s cheating partner. I know that you want to but DON’T.
For many women, the tendency to blame the person their boyfriend cheated with is significant. We think that they seduced their person, that our partner would never look for someone else on their own. We believe that if we can confront the other person it will be easier to move on.
I had a client who did just that and, instead of helping her move on, it held her back from healing in a big way. The other person gave her details of what happened, told her of conversations that involved laughing at her behind her back, of his promises that he would leave his girlfriend and run off with him. My client was devastated.
When a lover is confronted, they will often say horrible things. They might be feeling guilty or angry that they are being abandoned or betrayed by their lover or any such complicated feelings. As a result, they might say mean and nasty things, some of which might not be true.
.And those words, the words from a jilted lover, whether they are true or not, could damage beyond repair your relationship with your boyfriend, making it impossible for there to be any chance that you can move forward together.
#5 – Walk away from it.
This is a hard step but one that is important to be willing to take if necessary. The last thing that you want is for this infidelity to define your relationship and your life.
If your partner isn’t willing to take responsibility for what happened, give you the details that you want and be willing to work through things in the effort to mend your relationship, then it might be time to walk away.
People who are cheaters often stay cheaters unless their original relationship changes significantly. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that your boyfriend won’t cheat on you again without him being willing to take responsibility for both what he did and what he needs to do to fix it.
I know that you want to stay in this relationship, that the idea of being alone or getting back out there in the dating world or that you will regret letting go of them in the future are all in your mind, and I get that. But the reality is, the longer that you stay with this cheater, the one not willing to take responsibility for his actions, the more likely that you will be cheated on again and not have the chance to find someone who truly loves you and would never stray.
Finding out that your boyfriend is two timing you is a devastating thing. The person you love and trusted has betrayed you and you are probably feeling worse than you might ever have in your life.
I would encourage you to take these steps to work through what has happened. Confront your boyfriend – let him know what you know. Talk to him about it and see what your chances are for working through it together. Take stock of your feelings so that you can learn how to manage them and, if necessary, be ready to walk away. And DO NOT talk to the cheating partner. Period the end.
Being stuck in a relationship where the cheater isn’t going to take responsibility for his actions is something that you don’t want to do. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make sure that you are going to share it with someone you can love and trust not someone who isn’t willing to take responsibility for their actions.
This might be hard but you can work through this, no matter the outcome, and come out the other side stronger.
You can do it!