20 Tips For Transforming A “Difficult” Relationship

Understanding focuses on why our partners do what they do rather than on what they do.

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  1. “Difficult” relationships are about self-love and self-worth – ours, not theirs.
  2. We’ve set causes in motion, and we’re experiencing the results. So our problems are not originating outside of us.
  3. Our partners aren’t broken, and it’s not our job to fix them.
  4. Relating is like riding an elevator. If we don’t do something different, such as select a new number, the doors will open, and we’ll get out on the same floor.
  5. Separation ends relationships, not problems. So we take our unanswered issues with us and keep attracting people who can help us resolve them.
  6. Getting rid of our partners won’t get rid of our problems.
  7. Everyone is right from his or her perspective, which means that no one is wrong. So criticizing and blaming need to be off-limits. Try arguing without saying “you.”
  8. We’re the ones responsible for our emotions and reactions, so it’s not appropriate to make people wrong so that we can justify our outbursts.
  9. Whatever our partners give us is what we believe we deserve.
  10. The best way to show our partners how to treat us, in the way we want, is to be an example of what we want.
  11. When we see our partners’ worst, it’s also active in us, and they’re mirroring it for us.
  12. There will always be plenty of evidence to prove whatever we declare is true, because our lives are the result of whatever we believe.
  13. Our partners can’t affect us emotionally until we’ve chosen what to believe about them and their behavior.
  14. Whatever words we use to describe our partners, they can’t be anything else for us, because we can only experience what we believe about them. So don’t keep confirming, in thoughts or words, what you don’t want.
  15. Our predictable responses keep our partners treating us in a predictable manner.
  16. Making a conscious decision to stop being triggered by what our partners say and do will de-activate our buttons and give us back our power. And if we change our usual response, our partners will also change their behavior.
  17. If we want people to act differently toward us, it begins by acting differently ourselves. Until we change, nothing will change.
  18. If our partners lose it, the most important issue is their need to be supported. So it’s our job to stay supportive, protecting their self-esteem and allowing them to save face.
  19. We draw the best from our partners by believing the best about them, knowing that they’ll become whatever we decide to see.
  20. Expressing appreciation does more than anything else to create positive change in our relationships.

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