You might have thought the worst was over, but when you have to divorce the Emotional Abuser it starts all over again!
And you might believe after being out of the relationship a while that you are prepared to deal with them, their games and their trickery because you now know who they are.
You might believe you have the understanding to deal with them, and part of you does, but they are ‘slippery little suckers’ and they have built up a bank of knowledge on you, which they are going to use.
They know your triggers and they want to play games, and they will be playing to win at all costs.
Sam Vaknin says that during the discard stage they are justifying to themselves why they have made a bad choice in selecting you, so they devalue you. This is to preserve their grandiosity.
They don’t make mistakes therefore there is something wrong with you.
And if you are divorcing an Emotional Abuser who gains fuel or supply from their interactions with people, you are in for a bumpy ride…
This is why it is so crucial you make sure you are emotionally divorced from the Emotional Abuser before you start the divorce process.
But, if you are in the middle of the divorce process all is not lost, you can still heal during the process.
Being emotionally divorced from them means they can’t trigger you.
It can be hurtful reading things about yourself that aren’t true, or that are manipulative or are a distortion of the truth or that the abuser is actually guilty of. I remember wanting to scream ‘am I the only person who can see what is going on’.
When responding to them check what you are saying.
Step away from your laptop or phone, try moving it to another room. It is not out of sight out of mind, because, if they have triggered something in you, you will be ruminating and they know this and this is what they want.
The Emotional Abuser will be sitting somewhere imagining you reading the correspondence, and that alone gives them supply, they will be sitting waiting for your charged response.
It might help you to start writing a response out fully to release the emotions that are coming up and once you have released it, then remove all the emotion and read through your response and ask yourself:
What light does this put me in?
Find someone who can read over it and remove all the emotion and remember your solicitor or divorce consultant is charging by the 1/4 of the hour, so if you are going to speak to them make sure the emotional charge has gone and you are not using them as a form of a counselor.
They do need to understand what this is doing to you and but you don’t necessarily need to spend an hour on the phone to them rambling on about the injustice of it all.
Find a therapist or coach that can help you heal the wounds so at the end of the process you are ready to transition into your new life.
By making sure you are emotionally divorced you can see your worth, and they can do no more harm to you.
And one important tip #1 is to read the letter or email as if someone with fresh eyes is reading it – how would they see the person writing this?
Does the pain flow out of your words?
Will they think you are seeking revenge and wonder why assuming for the wrong reasons? 2 words consummate actors.
If your abuser is portraying you in a poor light, will this person read it and think the abuser is right, you are crazy?
By having a gauge, you can stop yourself venting and you can set out the facts.
By doing the healing you can start to acknowledge your self-worth and start asking for what it is you really want.
Respond don’t React.
You might be looking for justice and karma, but this isn’t the place to find it.
It is crucial that you step back before you send your response and see it through someone else’s eyes and also ask who is writing this, is this coming from my damaged inner child?
I know how painful and frustrating it is going through this process. Reading things about yourself that simply aren’t true or reading information or sections of letters and emails that were taken out of context, but it is much easier when you can laugh at it and see it for what it is…
Remember to use facts only.
Sending you loads and loads of love